Unicorn / Dick Theory

So there are some important facts I want to share with you.

First is about unicorns: it seems that pre-teen girls are obsessed with them! They’re maniacs for these mystical and powerful animals; obsessed with the mythology around their capture and extinction; captured by the potential of imagining into existence The Last Unicorn.

But this is not news.

there is apparently a psychological Freudian explanation for this girls’ obsession. And as we all know, Freud is so fucking smart. Everyone thinks he’s smart—shit even my mom is prone to agree if someone backs up his or her reasoning with Freud. So the psychosexual explanation is this: girls use unicorns to get used to the idea of being friendly with something powerful, strong, and with a big ol’ rod, by accessing the emotive, sensitive, beautiful parts of the creature. That’s right—prepubescent girls need to develop their propensity to be potentially comfortable around dicks somehow, at some point they are going to encounter some and might as well warm up to the idea, and having a friendly face on the prick is helpful.

Now some of you might not believe this, but I was not obsessed with unicorns as a child. When I was 16 or so, I learned this factoid about unicorns and girls and you better believe that the next time I saw a unicorn blanket at the VOA I bought the damn thing. $2.99! such a low price to develop my sexuality! I mean, any porno is at least double that, and even low-end vibrators are like $18, so $2.99 is perfectly cheap.

And I got the blanket, and wouldn’t you know it but I started fucking my girlfriend on it. It was funny, like oh look, we’re on top of little girls idea of a dick, now spread your legs honey, I’m hot for you.

And years later, I was visiting my mom, because gay kids don’t live at home when we can help it, it kind of fucks with our outlandish hypersexual style, and she was taking a  class at her church to help her deal with her kid being gay.

And did you know that there is a clear reason why people’s kids turn out fucked up and gay - which is the same thing according to the Christian dude who ran my mom's workshop? The reason is so simple and obvious, more so than the whole unicorn phenomena, and it’s that the mother doesn’t appropriately encourage her kids to separate from her. So her sons are Nellie fags, arching toward the mother and trying to be her, and her daughters are wanna-be men, living out an Oedipal wish to fuck mom and so stay close to her. Why boys want men from loving mom, and girls want girls is unexplained, a simple gender difference, I suppose. Not, you know, just the way people feel about other people or anything reasonable.

So I would like to make an open statement to the teacher of that seminar, the church in general, and all freaked out parents, and those who want Answers and Solutions — make sure your daughters get their unicorn paraphernalia at the right time in their development. If it’s too late, they’ll just want to have a dick, maybe run out and buy one and be a dyke! Fuck just like a unicorn! Be strong and muscled and hard, instead of caring for that! And if it’s too soon, maybe they’ll be too comfortable with dick, maybe they’ll be sluts??!! What’s worse? Too much dick or none for our American girls?

How do we teach our daughters to love and crave only one dick? By teaching them that the last unicorn is theirs to love only if they’re good and pure enough to attract it in their own lives!!!